You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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