we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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