My liver just broke up with me...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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