I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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