i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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