I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
