Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
