Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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