I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
this is an emotional support booty call
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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