Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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