i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
