i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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