I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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