I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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