I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
