Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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