My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
did i walk over a car last night?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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