When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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