My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
