So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
