I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Randomize
