I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
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My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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