mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
