Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
