I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
