I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
