She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
