You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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