in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
