My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
