Are we in a gay sports bar?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
