My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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