Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
