piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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