dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
