how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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