I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
