If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
