I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
