Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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