I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
