Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
