He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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