I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
