I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
