I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
