"it" just moved
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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