There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
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now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
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And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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