I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
