I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
