one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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