Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
