I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
