I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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