I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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