i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
