grandma shit on top of the toilet
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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