I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
