Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
